Haven't posted in a while, but I'm still around

Just got busy with the holidays and God knows what else... still trapped in the same cycle...but at least, I recognize it now.

The silence is deafening

I sit here cold, dark, and alone in the hopes that because a day in the calendar has changed, it will all change.  What foolishness men may perform against themselves.  Fuck you all, happy new year!

Wrote this on 8-13

Still feel much the same way.

I've done everything you ever asked but still you look at me like I need help. Handicapped, crippled, helpless, what does it matter?  You still look at me as different, and it still hurts more than words can say. My own family treats me as if I am a burden to bear and I know it's subconscious and wholly unintentional for them to treat me in that manner. Perhaps I'm oversensitive but at least, I should be owed that much. God gives me this body that wracks me with pain and I don't begrudge His will to be done. We all have our crosses to bear and sometimes, mine get too heavy to deal with so I figure if I can write about it, maybe I can feel better. I feel stupid talking to myself, and I don't know if I'd ever let anyone read this material. But I have to get it out somehow. The person I used to tell all this crap to turned her back on me. We are not together anymore and we don't even talk. I've been a lot of things in this life but I never told someone I'd be there for them forever and then changed my mind later. When I say something, you can take it to the bank and write it down in the books. But yeah, now you're everybody's perfect little jehovah's witness girl now that you got rid of the worldly boy. But you forgot something. I'm a person too. You made me promises and you broke them. You can say it's hard for you too but in the end, you lied to me. You said you could handle it and you could not do so. But guess what? I still love you and I still wish the best for you. Even though I feel your knife plunged into my back more than a year later, I still want the best for you. Maybe I wasn't the best but you lied to me and you hurt the one person who stood by you despite everything. I am not perfect but I was sincere and honest. I don't doubt your sincerity and I know you didn't mean for it to end this way. But it still is what it is and I still bleed from my wound. So where do I go from here?  You try to live again, to trust, to feel, to believe that people are inherently good. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to deal with it and be happy with myself. But there's a lot of things I am unhappy about and I don't tell anyone shit.

I just thought of another one.  Both my uncle and some of my very close friends have made comments to the effect that I'm lazy or I like to sit on my ass or that they can't believe that I was given college degrees when i struggle with basic things like opening a container or locking a door or things like that. Well guess what?  I'm not lazy but sometimes, it hurts to move. I don't tell you that it hurts because all you will do is look at me with fucking pity. I hate pity. I can't use pity in my life.  The simple things of life are hard for me to do sometimes because my mind works in ten thousand directions at once that it's hard for me to slow down enough to come down to that level of opening a container or locking a door. It just offends me. You're supposed to love me unconditionally but you want to dig in little barbs like that to me. I would never do that to anyone I love, I would never make them feel less of themselves because that's not what love is. Love is kind and gentle and I'm certain I read that in the Bible somewhere.  Who cares if I struggle with silly stuff?  Am I not still the person who would do anything for you?Well, the worst part about this journal is it's just an exercise of opening my own wounds. It won't change anyone's behavior towards me because they're not going to read it.  So, I'll remain their educated idiot, the heartbroken loner, and the dutiful son who feels as if he's a burden to his parents.  I'll hope things change and that they will go my way for a change for more than just a few days or months. I will continue to work hard to be that person my grandfather would have been proud to call his grandson.

In the poker game of life..

I'm sick of being dealt 2-7 and waiting for the flop to come 2-2-7.  The depression washes over me like a wave of regret and disappointment.  There's this huge gap in my heart and soul that needs to be filled, and I feel like I'm dying.  The worst part about it is no one knows.   If I told you all this, you'd flip out.  The mask covers it all.   I tried to be there for everybody so when the time came, you'd be there for me.  Bad strategy, Pete.  Because, people aren't like you.  People don't think like you.   They don't have your heart and soul.  They use and use and that's what the hole is.   So, screw them.  The only person you can truly count on is old number 1.  Yourself.  Fuck them all.

Oh look

It's another 2 o'clock in the morning rambling post from VegasPete7 that no one will ever read, and if they do read it, is it more than a cursory glance to make sure I am still breathing?

Things I'm really sick of:  not having phone calls returned, not having texts returned, feeling out of shape, tight, and old.

A smart man, my grandfather actually, told me a long time ago not to worry about the things you can't control.  I can't control people I consider friends not returning my phone calls or not returning my texts.  I'm not asking for much out of these people, I don't think.   Simply pick up the phone and give me a one minute phone call to let me know something I need to know.  Let your little fingers dance over the keyboard and let me know you're really busy so I know now is not the time for a texting conversation.  It's not that fucking complicated, but apparently, it's too much for some people.  That's fine, and it really lets me know the value of me in your life though.   I can't promise much, but what I can promise is this:  I'll be on top again in this life, and this is just a slump that I'm temporarily going through.   And, there's a core group of about five to ten people in my life, and they know who they are.   Those people, I'm going to make their dreams come true.
When I get back to the top, if you have a dream and I can make it happen with my money and my time, I swear to you that it will happen whether it's a trip around the world or a football game in New York or a ringside seat at a heavyweight championship fight.  Know what the funny thing is?  All the other friends I have, the people who won't return my texts or calls now, those will be the ones who will be hitting me up to do things then.  Anyways, sorry, but that's a little rant there on my side of things that I needed to get off my chest. But that's what I can't control.

        What I can control is how I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I reached rock bottom last night when I looked in the mirror.  I'm a shade under 6 feet 1 inch tall, and I'm about 220-230 lbs.  I'm not obscenely overweight, but I could stand to lose a few more pounds.   The problem is this: most of the weight is in my weak stomach muscles.  It just doesn't look good to me anymore, and I could stand to feel better about myself as a person.  Ask anyone who knew me in high school.  When I was younger, I was pretty active for a kid with a minor touch of cerebral palsy.  I played street hockey in a league.  I played basketball and football with friends.  Many of my childhood memories were formed around sports, either playing them or watching them.  That's why I'm going to try to get back into playing shape again.

The way to do this is simple:
1) Walk/jog/run on the treadmill
2) Lift weights
3) Play sports
4) Do situps and pushups
5) Actually do my stretches.

I usually do one or some of these 5 things on occasion when I'm feeling like it.   But, now, it's different.  Now, the goal is to do at least 2 or 3 of these activities every fricking day.   Tonight, I walked/jogged for 15 minutes on the treadmill at differing speeds and inclines.   Then, I did curls with my weights of the usual 3x8 variety.
Tomorrow, I'll do 2 other activities, and hopefully start to use a consistent schedule to get myself back into playing shape once again.   It's time for me to feel better about who I am.  It's time for me to control what I can control.  It's time for me to be Pete.

Skillet - Monster

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

If you assume that this monster is my depression over the things that are wrong in my life, every fucking lyric in this song is a feeling I've had very recently.

People ask how I am, I say I'm ok

But then there's nights like these where I can't sleep and every regret I've ever had comes flooding back like the huge tidal wave of bullshit.  I literally feel like I'm drowning in depression right now.  There's no one to talk to, and no one I feel comfortable calling at 3:22 am to listen to this bullshit.  The one person I had who I could always call left me and got herself a new boyfriend.  So what do I do?  How do I keep going?  I don't feel comfortable and I feel like crawling out of my own skin.  So I come here and I write this down, but it's not helping.

I was out with a bunch of friends tonight too, so it's not like I'm just being a recluse hiding out in my room.  I was fine while I was out.  Then, I got home and I keep thinking of all these cards Liz gave me.  One stands out in particular... it's a picture of nightfall and the moon with the stars.. and the inside of the card says, "I made a wish and you came true."   It wasn't that long ago, maybe 18 months that I thought we'd always be together.  I struggle with it so much, why did she reject me?  I mean, her official reason was religious differences... and I get that and I mainly do believe that.. but still to toss me aside like a piece of garbage not even a year later?  I know what would happen if I called... I'd get sent to voice mail and she wouldn't even call me.  Then, one of her friends will bitch me out on Facebook.  No thanks.    How do you turn your back on someone who you claimed to love forever?  How do you deny even the basic tenets of friendship for someone who you talked to every day for more than six years?  I'm just rambling now, and it's not helping.  So I'm just gonna stop for now, it's just making it worse.