So I sit here, heating pad on my back, muscle relaxer in my bloodstream

But yet, my mind still moves at 120 mph, and it beckons me to this computer to write another missive that only few will read and even if more would read, would they even take a moment to affect change?  For many people, this blog would probably come off as whining or at the very least, displeased with my current situation. But, this one's not about me, this one's about society.  It seems to me that if I don't get some of this out now, it's going to end up driving me insane.

I look around this world and I see so many things wrong with the place.  Think about it, in this world, we have violence, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, murder, robbery, rape, lying, deceiving, and all of these millions of other horrible things that humanity has done to one another.  When God put us on this world in the very beginning, is this what He intended for us?  I somehow doubt it, and I don't think He'd be very happy with what his children have done with his beautiful world.    I'm not a perfect person, and anyone who knows me would tell you that.  But what I can tell you is this, I try my best to live my life as Jesus Christ would have wanted me to do so.  Sometimes, I fail.  Sometimes, I am prone to anger.   Sometimes, I have a short temper especially with my parents and those close to me.  I'm human, but I do try to affect change in my family and my friends and the people that are around me.

Seriously, I think that is the only way that we can thrive as a society.  If each person tries to address just one of their flaws, I think the world would be a much better place.  Now, I'm not saying we need to go soft on those who commit serious crimes against humanity.  I'm sorry but if you have the urge to have sex with or hurt a kid, you deserve to be castrated and killed.   If you murder or rape others, you deserve to be castrated and killed.  But, other than those serious crimes, there's a lot of those little crimes that we commit every day on one another.   When we lose our patience with one another, how much better would it be to take a deep breath and try again to regain that patience we have lost?   When we lie and deceive, it is not that hard to live your life straight up and be honest with one another, so why don't we do it?   I think, as human beings, we do whatever we can to make things the easiest possible way on ourselves.  But, my friends, life is not easy.  As Rocky Balboa said in the last movie, "You, me, or nobody is going to hit as hard as life.  It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanent if you let it.  It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how many times you can get hit and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done."    Sometimes, Rocky's a lot smarter than me, I think.   Anyways, if you read this, try to move forward.  Try to evolve and be a better person.  Value yourself.  Trust in yourself.   Keep moving forward.   That's all I really have to say, and I apologize for rambling like this.  I hope you can understand if you're reading that it comes from a good place, and I want the best for all of my friends and family who may end up reading this one.

I hate...

I hate when people say they'll call you and/or text you later, and then they don't.  Why be fake about it?  Just be like, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

My mom and dad

My mom and dad are two of the best people in the world.  They're the reason I am who I am.   They're the reason I keep going.  Tonight, my mom sat for an hour with me and listened to everything I'd complain about in this blog usually.  She hugged me and told me to just let it be, to just give it to God, and so, that is what I am doing.  God, help me with these problems that I face.   Please give me the strength, peace, and serenity that I seek.  All glory and honor is yours.    Thank you for my family and friends!

I miss that feeling

No one reads this, so I don't know why I bother.

Why I like sports

Sports never leaves you alone on a Friday night to fend for yourself.  If you turn on your tv, radio, or computer on any night of the week, you'll find something whether it is a baseball game, a football game, a boxing match, or a horse race from Dubai.  Sports never plays with your heart and tells you that they'll love you forever.   Sports never breaks a plan or a friendship.  You can turn on a game and totally lose yourself in the drama of the moment of the game.   You can feel the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat along with your favorite team and your favorite players.  Even if you are defeated, there's always that old familiar Brooklyn Dodgers slogan, "Wait till next year!"   There's a certain cadence to sports in a man's life, and I know I sound crazy if anyone else reads this at any time.  But I don't care, I'm watching the game.

All those things I ever did

All the pieces of paper I earned,
All those accolades I ever won,
Every compliment I ever received,
Any and all kudos they gave me,

I'd give them all back for one moment of contented peace in my brain,
Is this what it feels like to be insane?

The feeling of anxiety just won't go away,
As I cast aside all those things I ever did today.

Collapsing

Collapsing under the weight of my demons,
I put on a clown face and smile while I am scheming.
Though I am surrounded by the fakeness that I hate,
I grin and whisper under my breath that it may be too late.

For I am collapsing under the weight of what has been given to me.
God gives you only with which you can handle faithfully.
But, how do I know to have that faith in the Almighty?
Am I strong enough to go back to the way I was, trusting, pure, and happy?

I have no choice for otherwise I am collapsing, I say
Retracting myself to meet the dawn of a new day.

Someday

Someday you'll remember what you had in me.
Someday you'll remember what we had together.
Someday you'll wish you could turn back time.
Someday you'll wish you could be in my arms again.
Someday I won't be your little joke to wrap yourself up in,
Someday I won't be your prince to rule over our kingdom with,
Someday, someone will understand,
But that someday is not today.

I just realized something

When I'm tired, I feel much more sensitive emotionally and physically.  This is interesting because my emotions tie in with my physical feelings.  When I'm well-rested, I can deal with the pain of the palsied muscles much better.  When I'm tired, it's like every nerve ending is on fire looking for some water to put it out.  Then, the pain makes it so I cannot sleep.  Thus, it makes a vicious cycle.  But, as I get more and more tired, I, not only, feel the pain more intensely but then, my mind works its way through its many scenarios, regrets, and mental permutations.  I guess it's my way of telling myself to sleep.  Not like this is a groundbreaking realization, but, if I know why I feel a certain way, I can, at least, take steps to address it.

I feel like

My body is betraying me and no one understands because the spasms and the tightness come from inside.

I was never so happy than when I was playing sports

I've never been able to duplicate the feeling of those hockey games in my basement, the football games at the Oval, the basketball games at the Oval or at youth group, or just throwing a ball around.  I've always resented CP for robbing me of my true athletic prowess.  I mean, my dad was pretty good in high school, my uncle had a tryout with the Mets in the late 60s, and my grandfather played baseball as well.  I was supposed to be an athlete too.  God, I wanted it so bad, but the CP never went away enough for me to play any kind of competitive sports at a high level.  I was stubborn like that, and I could have rode the bench and been a scrub but that wasn't how I was wired then.  It still isn't, really.  I truly believe I was born to excel, to give more, to love fiercely, and to feel more deeply.  I still remember the best thing my dad has ever said to me.  It was shortly before my grandfather passed away that I had a ceremony at school to be inducted into the National Honor Society -- there's a picture of me with my grandparents before the ceremony at the house less than two weeks before Grandpa died.  It is a treasured picture.  Anyway, after the ceremony, my father said to me without any prompting of any sort, "I was prouder of you today than if you scored five touchdowns in any football game."   I don't know if he knows or knew what that meant to me, but thinking of that moment lifts my spirits even to this day.  Still, there's some bitterness towards the CP for robbing me of something greater.  At least, I'm confronting the feelings about CP though.