why can't I be normal?

I do believe in second chances, but I'm scared that my demons will overtake me.  Help me fight them.  That is all.

So I had a date with the girl I spoke about and it was a great night

We went for Chinese food, and the conversation was great.  We spent the whole time smiling and laughing with one another.  Then, we went back to watch TV at my place, and I won't go into too many details.  As she would say, that's home business.  LOL, but anyways, I wanted to share my happiness with the date.  We're going out tonight for Italian dinner and a friend of ours has a gig tonight.  So we'll check that out.  Good to be in back in Vegas.

Time for another post

One of my biggest frustrations in life is the tight muscles brought on by the very minor touch of cerebral palsy that I have.  As a result, it's very easy for me to pull or strain a muscle or something like that. Currently, I'm sitting in my computer chair in agonizing pain because I've pulled a muscle in my back.  It hurts every time I do anything on my right side, so it's certainly a muscle pull or strain.   Sometimes, I wonder why God gave me cerebral palsy, and even though it's a minor touch, it can be difficult to deal with. I don't tell a lot of people about my pain, because who wants to be around a guy who does nothing but complain about pain? I know people like that, and it's not fun.  Anyways, some days, I wonder why me?   Then, I wonder why not me?  Then, I feel guilty because I feel unappreciative of the gifts that God has given me if I'm complaining about the one bad condition that He gave me.  Who am I to question Him?  Anyways, as you can see, many questions go through my mind about this cerebral palsy stuff.  Someday, I'll blog more about CP and its effects on me, but I'm in too much pain tonight for that level of deep thought.

Today's thoughts

I'm in a considerably better mood than last posting.  Whatever my ex does, it's her business.  I'm going to try to leave it in the past and move on into the future.  I wish her all the luck and happiness in the world, because that's what true love is, and I did love her, regardless of how my tone came off in the previous post which I admit was written in a moment of emotion and anger.

I return to Las Vegas a week from tomorrow. I'm certainly looking forward to it, because I have great friends there. It's not like I don't have great friends here, because I do, but it's just that I feel like I see  them less frequently because they have jobs, kids, and they live in northern New Jersey, while I'm staying in southern New Jersey.  There's a certain young lady who I'm wanting to take out once I get home next week.  I had met her with a group of friends about 5 years ago.  I didn't pursue it at the time, but it seems like now is a good time for the both of us.  We'll see what happens there, but I certainly like talking to her on the phone and on the computer.  She's fun, sweet, sexy, and we have the same sense of humor.

I don't mean for this blog to be a continuous discussion of my love life, but thus far, that's what it has been.  Changing gears...

In another avenue, I'm going to be facing some changes in my professional life when I return home to Vegas.  For the last two and a half years, I have been a high school English teacher in Las Vegas.  I quit that job because physically, I can't handle being on my feet for as long as that job requires.  It seemed like although the kids seemed to like me, they would take advantage to use classroom time as a time to fool around.  Not that I blame them for doing that, they are high school kids and that's what they do.  Then again, I don't think it's right for kids not to have enough books in crowded classrooms with limited supplies either.   Anyways, I look back at my time as a teacher as a fun time, but it's not right for me longterm.

What I'd like to do is find a job where I can make a good impact on society.  I'm thinking perhaps a nice office job or maybe some work in a library.  I'm blessed with a great family and enough money to support myself, but for the sake of my sanity and benefits, I need to find a job that I enjoy that I'm good at doing.  We'll see what happens, but look for a lot of changes from me over the next few months.

My thoughts on Liz

I'm just starting this blog, because I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto some sort of medium so that I can make sense of them.  I doubt very severely that I will ever let anyone read these thoughts, but it's somehow possible that it could happen that I would want to share this with certain special people.  If I've shared this link with you, it means I want to share my most innermost thoughts and feelings with you, so take it as a compliment.  But anyways, thus, I'll keep to the usual standards of clarity and punctuation.

More than a year ago, the woman I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with broke up with me due to religious differences mainly.  We were together for six years, much of it long-distance.  We talked every day, and I considered this woman my best friend as well as my girlfriend.   I treated her well, and she treated me well.  We used to laugh about the silly little people who still had to date and look for the one to spend the rest of their lives with.  We'd visit each other, we met each other's families, and she was my date to my best friend's wedding.  We had each other, and we always thought that we would.  After all, she said she could have her religion aspect in her life, and thus keep that separate from  our relationship.  As of last July, literally days before I wanted to propose to her (she still doesn't know this), she broke up with me because she didn't want to be with someone who didn't share her faith.  I wouldn't change my faith to hers, because I believe that spirituality is something private and it has to be inside you if you truly believe it.

She has a blog on this site so she can talk about her diet and her adventures.  Over the past year or so, I've read the blog secretly just to make sure she's okay.  Love dies hard, I suppose.  Today, I read her blog and apparently, she has a new person who "makes her happy."  I assume that he must be of the same faith.  Emotionally, I sent a text to her, "I should have never read your blog.  I wish you well in life.  Goodbye, he will never love you like I did."  A tornado of thoughts races through my mind now.  Why does she get to be happy with someone else while I'm still lonely?   She's the one who lied to me.  She's the one who said she could handle the religion thing being different.  Doesn't karma dictate that good things should happen to me now?   Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for bad things to happen to Liz, but it seems unfair that I can be cast aside and a year later, I'm still waiting for things to go better for me.

I have so many trust issues over this relationship that I wonder if I can ever fully trust anyone again.  A few months after Liz broke up with me, I got into this rebound relationship with Kristi.  Kristi is a much younger woman - she was 22 then, is 23 now, and I was 30 at the time, and 31 now.  Anywho, she listened to a lot of my issues with my breakup.  I felt like I was over Liz, and I felt young and happy with Kristi. She said, don't worry, you can trust me.  Foolishly, I believed it, and after a few months, she broke up with me citing a lack of chemistry.  I have a lot more respect for Kristi because at least, she told me straight up within the first few months of the relationship.   She didn't let it linger for years and years, promising me a future like Liz did.

Still, it all hurts. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes.  I get so lonely, and I wonder if things will ever work out for me.  I swear, I'm a decent guy.  Don't I deserve a break?  Don't I deserve love and honesty and truthfulness?  God, I hope so.