I'm just starting this blog, because I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto some sort of medium so that I can make sense of them. I doubt very severely that I will ever let anyone read these thoughts, but it's somehow possible that it could happen that I would want to share this with certain special people. If I've shared this link with you, it means I want to share my most innermost thoughts and feelings with you, so take it as a compliment. But anyways, thus, I'll keep to the usual standards of clarity and punctuation.
More than a year ago, the woman I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with broke up with me due to religious differences mainly. We were together for six years, much of it long-distance. We talked every day, and I considered this woman my best friend as well as my girlfriend. I treated her well, and she treated me well. We used to laugh about the silly little people who still had to date and look for the one to spend the rest of their lives with. We'd visit each other, we met each other's families, and she was my date to my best friend's wedding. We had each other, and we always thought that we would. After all, she said she could have her religion aspect in her life, and thus keep that separate from our relationship. As of last July, literally days before I wanted to propose to her (she still doesn't know this), she broke up with me because she didn't want to be with someone who didn't share her faith. I wouldn't change my faith to hers, because I believe that spirituality is something private and it has to be inside you if you truly believe it.
She has a blog on this site so she can talk about her diet and her adventures. Over the past year or so, I've read the blog secretly just to make sure she's okay. Love dies hard, I suppose. Today, I read her blog and apparently, she has a new person who "makes her happy." I assume that he must be of the same faith. Emotionally, I sent a text to her, "I should have never read your blog. I wish you well in life. Goodbye, he will never love you like I did." A tornado of thoughts races through my mind now. Why does she get to be happy with someone else while I'm still lonely? She's the one who lied to me. She's the one who said she could handle the religion thing being different. Doesn't karma dictate that good things should happen to me now? Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for bad things to happen to Liz, but it seems unfair that I can be cast aside and a year later, I'm still waiting for things to go better for me.
I have so many trust issues over this relationship that I wonder if I can ever fully trust anyone again. A few months after Liz broke up with me, I got into this rebound relationship with Kristi. Kristi is a much younger woman - she was 22 then, is 23 now, and I was 30 at the time, and 31 now. Anywho, she listened to a lot of my issues with my breakup. I felt like I was over Liz, and I felt young and happy with Kristi. She said, don't worry, you can trust me. Foolishly, I believed it, and after a few months, she broke up with me citing a lack of chemistry. I have a lot more respect for Kristi because at least, she told me straight up within the first few months of the relationship. She didn't let it linger for years and years, promising me a future like Liz did.
Still, it all hurts. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes. I get so lonely, and I wonder if things will ever work out for me. I swear, I'm a decent guy. Don't I deserve a break? Don't I deserve love and honesty and truthfulness? God, I hope so.
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