Wrote this on 8-13

Still feel much the same way.

I've done everything you ever asked but still you look at me like I need help. Handicapped, crippled, helpless, what does it matter?  You still look at me as different, and it still hurts more than words can say. My own family treats me as if I am a burden to bear and I know it's subconscious and wholly unintentional for them to treat me in that manner. Perhaps I'm oversensitive but at least, I should be owed that much. God gives me this body that wracks me with pain and I don't begrudge His will to be done. We all have our crosses to bear and sometimes, mine get too heavy to deal with so I figure if I can write about it, maybe I can feel better. I feel stupid talking to myself, and I don't know if I'd ever let anyone read this material. But I have to get it out somehow. The person I used to tell all this crap to turned her back on me. We are not together anymore and we don't even talk. I've been a lot of things in this life but I never told someone I'd be there for them forever and then changed my mind later. When I say something, you can take it to the bank and write it down in the books. But yeah, now you're everybody's perfect little jehovah's witness girl now that you got rid of the worldly boy. But you forgot something. I'm a person too. You made me promises and you broke them. You can say it's hard for you too but in the end, you lied to me. You said you could handle it and you could not do so. But guess what? I still love you and I still wish the best for you. Even though I feel your knife plunged into my back more than a year later, I still want the best for you. Maybe I wasn't the best but you lied to me and you hurt the one person who stood by you despite everything. I am not perfect but I was sincere and honest. I don't doubt your sincerity and I know you didn't mean for it to end this way. But it still is what it is and I still bleed from my wound. So where do I go from here?  You try to live again, to trust, to feel, to believe that people are inherently good. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to deal with it and be happy with myself. But there's a lot of things I am unhappy about and I don't tell anyone shit.

I just thought of another one.  Both my uncle and some of my very close friends have made comments to the effect that I'm lazy or I like to sit on my ass or that they can't believe that I was given college degrees when i struggle with basic things like opening a container or locking a door or things like that. Well guess what?  I'm not lazy but sometimes, it hurts to move. I don't tell you that it hurts because all you will do is look at me with fucking pity. I hate pity. I can't use pity in my life.  The simple things of life are hard for me to do sometimes because my mind works in ten thousand directions at once that it's hard for me to slow down enough to come down to that level of opening a container or locking a door. It just offends me. You're supposed to love me unconditionally but you want to dig in little barbs like that to me. I would never do that to anyone I love, I would never make them feel less of themselves because that's not what love is. Love is kind and gentle and I'm certain I read that in the Bible somewhere.  Who cares if I struggle with silly stuff?  Am I not still the person who would do anything for you?Well, the worst part about this journal is it's just an exercise of opening my own wounds. It won't change anyone's behavior towards me because they're not going to read it.  So, I'll remain their educated idiot, the heartbroken loner, and the dutiful son who feels as if he's a burden to his parents.  I'll hope things change and that they will go my way for a change for more than just a few days or months. I will continue to work hard to be that person my grandfather would have been proud to call his grandson.

In the poker game of life..

I'm sick of being dealt 2-7 and waiting for the flop to come 2-2-7.  The depression washes over me like a wave of regret and disappointment.  There's this huge gap in my heart and soul that needs to be filled, and I feel like I'm dying.  The worst part about it is no one knows.   If I told you all this, you'd flip out.  The mask covers it all.   I tried to be there for everybody so when the time came, you'd be there for me.  Bad strategy, Pete.  Because, people aren't like you.  People don't think like you.   They don't have your heart and soul.  They use and use and that's what the hole is.   So, screw them.  The only person you can truly count on is old number 1.  Yourself.  Fuck them all.

Oh look

It's another 2 o'clock in the morning rambling post from VegasPete7 that no one will ever read, and if they do read it, is it more than a cursory glance to make sure I am still breathing?

Things I'm really sick of:  not having phone calls returned, not having texts returned, feeling out of shape, tight, and old.

A smart man, my grandfather actually, told me a long time ago not to worry about the things you can't control.  I can't control people I consider friends not returning my phone calls or not returning my texts.  I'm not asking for much out of these people, I don't think.   Simply pick up the phone and give me a one minute phone call to let me know something I need to know.  Let your little fingers dance over the keyboard and let me know you're really busy so I know now is not the time for a texting conversation.  It's not that fucking complicated, but apparently, it's too much for some people.  That's fine, and it really lets me know the value of me in your life though.   I can't promise much, but what I can promise is this:  I'll be on top again in this life, and this is just a slump that I'm temporarily going through.   And, there's a core group of about five to ten people in my life, and they know who they are.   Those people, I'm going to make their dreams come true.
When I get back to the top, if you have a dream and I can make it happen with my money and my time, I swear to you that it will happen whether it's a trip around the world or a football game in New York or a ringside seat at a heavyweight championship fight.  Know what the funny thing is?  All the other friends I have, the people who won't return my texts or calls now, those will be the ones who will be hitting me up to do things then.  Anyways, sorry, but that's a little rant there on my side of things that I needed to get off my chest. But that's what I can't control.

        What I can control is how I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I reached rock bottom last night when I looked in the mirror.  I'm a shade under 6 feet 1 inch tall, and I'm about 220-230 lbs.  I'm not obscenely overweight, but I could stand to lose a few more pounds.   The problem is this: most of the weight is in my weak stomach muscles.  It just doesn't look good to me anymore, and I could stand to feel better about myself as a person.  Ask anyone who knew me in high school.  When I was younger, I was pretty active for a kid with a minor touch of cerebral palsy.  I played street hockey in a league.  I played basketball and football with friends.  Many of my childhood memories were formed around sports, either playing them or watching them.  That's why I'm going to try to get back into playing shape again.

The way to do this is simple:
1) Walk/jog/run on the treadmill
2) Lift weights
3) Play sports
4) Do situps and pushups
5) Actually do my stretches.

I usually do one or some of these 5 things on occasion when I'm feeling like it.   But, now, it's different.  Now, the goal is to do at least 2 or 3 of these activities every fricking day.   Tonight, I walked/jogged for 15 minutes on the treadmill at differing speeds and inclines.   Then, I did curls with my weights of the usual 3x8 variety.
Tomorrow, I'll do 2 other activities, and hopefully start to use a consistent schedule to get myself back into playing shape once again.   It's time for me to feel better about who I am.  It's time for me to control what I can control.  It's time for me to be Pete.

Skillet - Monster

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I've gotta lose control, he something radical
I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

If you assume that this monster is my depression over the things that are wrong in my life, every fucking lyric in this song is a feeling I've had very recently.

People ask how I am, I say I'm ok

But then there's nights like these where I can't sleep and every regret I've ever had comes flooding back like the huge tidal wave of bullshit.  I literally feel like I'm drowning in depression right now.  There's no one to talk to, and no one I feel comfortable calling at 3:22 am to listen to this bullshit.  The one person I had who I could always call left me and got herself a new boyfriend.  So what do I do?  How do I keep going?  I don't feel comfortable and I feel like crawling out of my own skin.  So I come here and I write this down, but it's not helping.

I was out with a bunch of friends tonight too, so it's not like I'm just being a recluse hiding out in my room.  I was fine while I was out.  Then, I got home and I keep thinking of all these cards Liz gave me.  One stands out in particular... it's a picture of nightfall and the moon with the stars.. and the inside of the card says, "I made a wish and you came true."   It wasn't that long ago, maybe 18 months that I thought we'd always be together.  I struggle with it so much, why did she reject me?  I mean, her official reason was religious differences... and I get that and I mainly do believe that.. but still to toss me aside like a piece of garbage not even a year later?  I know what would happen if I called... I'd get sent to voice mail and she wouldn't even call me.  Then, one of her friends will bitch me out on Facebook.  No thanks.    How do you turn your back on someone who you claimed to love forever?  How do you deny even the basic tenets of friendship for someone who you talked to every day for more than six years?  I'm just rambling now, and it's not helping.  So I'm just gonna stop for now, it's just making it worse.

So I sit here, heating pad on my back, muscle relaxer in my bloodstream

But yet, my mind still moves at 120 mph, and it beckons me to this computer to write another missive that only few will read and even if more would read, would they even take a moment to affect change?  For many people, this blog would probably come off as whining or at the very least, displeased with my current situation. But, this one's not about me, this one's about society.  It seems to me that if I don't get some of this out now, it's going to end up driving me insane.

I look around this world and I see so many things wrong with the place.  Think about it, in this world, we have violence, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, murder, robbery, rape, lying, deceiving, and all of these millions of other horrible things that humanity has done to one another.  When God put us on this world in the very beginning, is this what He intended for us?  I somehow doubt it, and I don't think He'd be very happy with what his children have done with his beautiful world.    I'm not a perfect person, and anyone who knows me would tell you that.  But what I can tell you is this, I try my best to live my life as Jesus Christ would have wanted me to do so.  Sometimes, I fail.  Sometimes, I am prone to anger.   Sometimes, I have a short temper especially with my parents and those close to me.  I'm human, but I do try to affect change in my family and my friends and the people that are around me.

Seriously, I think that is the only way that we can thrive as a society.  If each person tries to address just one of their flaws, I think the world would be a much better place.  Now, I'm not saying we need to go soft on those who commit serious crimes against humanity.  I'm sorry but if you have the urge to have sex with or hurt a kid, you deserve to be castrated and killed.   If you murder or rape others, you deserve to be castrated and killed.  But, other than those serious crimes, there's a lot of those little crimes that we commit every day on one another.   When we lose our patience with one another, how much better would it be to take a deep breath and try again to regain that patience we have lost?   When we lie and deceive, it is not that hard to live your life straight up and be honest with one another, so why don't we do it?   I think, as human beings, we do whatever we can to make things the easiest possible way on ourselves.  But, my friends, life is not easy.  As Rocky Balboa said in the last movie, "You, me, or nobody is going to hit as hard as life.  It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanent if you let it.  It ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how many times you can get hit and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done."    Sometimes, Rocky's a lot smarter than me, I think.   Anyways, if you read this, try to move forward.  Try to evolve and be a better person.  Value yourself.  Trust in yourself.   Keep moving forward.   That's all I really have to say, and I apologize for rambling like this.  I hope you can understand if you're reading that it comes from a good place, and I want the best for all of my friends and family who may end up reading this one.

I hate...

I hate when people say they'll call you and/or text you later, and then they don't.  Why be fake about it?  Just be like, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

My mom and dad

My mom and dad are two of the best people in the world.  They're the reason I am who I am.   They're the reason I keep going.  Tonight, my mom sat for an hour with me and listened to everything I'd complain about in this blog usually.  She hugged me and told me to just let it be, to just give it to God, and so, that is what I am doing.  God, help me with these problems that I face.   Please give me the strength, peace, and serenity that I seek.  All glory and honor is yours.    Thank you for my family and friends!

I miss that feeling

No one reads this, so I don't know why I bother.

Why I like sports

Sports never leaves you alone on a Friday night to fend for yourself.  If you turn on your tv, radio, or computer on any night of the week, you'll find something whether it is a baseball game, a football game, a boxing match, or a horse race from Dubai.  Sports never plays with your heart and tells you that they'll love you forever.   Sports never breaks a plan or a friendship.  You can turn on a game and totally lose yourself in the drama of the moment of the game.   You can feel the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat along with your favorite team and your favorite players.  Even if you are defeated, there's always that old familiar Brooklyn Dodgers slogan, "Wait till next year!"   There's a certain cadence to sports in a man's life, and I know I sound crazy if anyone else reads this at any time.  But I don't care, I'm watching the game.

All those things I ever did

All the pieces of paper I earned,
All those accolades I ever won,
Every compliment I ever received,
Any and all kudos they gave me,

I'd give them all back for one moment of contented peace in my brain,
Is this what it feels like to be insane?

The feeling of anxiety just won't go away,
As I cast aside all those things I ever did today.

Collapsing

Collapsing under the weight of my demons,
I put on a clown face and smile while I am scheming.
Though I am surrounded by the fakeness that I hate,
I grin and whisper under my breath that it may be too late.

For I am collapsing under the weight of what has been given to me.
God gives you only with which you can handle faithfully.
But, how do I know to have that faith in the Almighty?
Am I strong enough to go back to the way I was, trusting, pure, and happy?

I have no choice for otherwise I am collapsing, I say
Retracting myself to meet the dawn of a new day.

Someday

Someday you'll remember what you had in me.
Someday you'll remember what we had together.
Someday you'll wish you could turn back time.
Someday you'll wish you could be in my arms again.
Someday I won't be your little joke to wrap yourself up in,
Someday I won't be your prince to rule over our kingdom with,
Someday, someone will understand,
But that someday is not today.

I just realized something

When I'm tired, I feel much more sensitive emotionally and physically.  This is interesting because my emotions tie in with my physical feelings.  When I'm well-rested, I can deal with the pain of the palsied muscles much better.  When I'm tired, it's like every nerve ending is on fire looking for some water to put it out.  Then, the pain makes it so I cannot sleep.  Thus, it makes a vicious cycle.  But, as I get more and more tired, I, not only, feel the pain more intensely but then, my mind works its way through its many scenarios, regrets, and mental permutations.  I guess it's my way of telling myself to sleep.  Not like this is a groundbreaking realization, but, if I know why I feel a certain way, I can, at least, take steps to address it.

I feel like

My body is betraying me and no one understands because the spasms and the tightness come from inside.

I was never so happy than when I was playing sports

I've never been able to duplicate the feeling of those hockey games in my basement, the football games at the Oval, the basketball games at the Oval or at youth group, or just throwing a ball around.  I've always resented CP for robbing me of my true athletic prowess.  I mean, my dad was pretty good in high school, my uncle had a tryout with the Mets in the late 60s, and my grandfather played baseball as well.  I was supposed to be an athlete too.  God, I wanted it so bad, but the CP never went away enough for me to play any kind of competitive sports at a high level.  I was stubborn like that, and I could have rode the bench and been a scrub but that wasn't how I was wired then.  It still isn't, really.  I truly believe I was born to excel, to give more, to love fiercely, and to feel more deeply.  I still remember the best thing my dad has ever said to me.  It was shortly before my grandfather passed away that I had a ceremony at school to be inducted into the National Honor Society -- there's a picture of me with my grandparents before the ceremony at the house less than two weeks before Grandpa died.  It is a treasured picture.  Anyway, after the ceremony, my father said to me without any prompting of any sort, "I was prouder of you today than if you scored five touchdowns in any football game."   I don't know if he knows or knew what that meant to me, but thinking of that moment lifts my spirits even to this day.  Still, there's some bitterness towards the CP for robbing me of something greater.  At least, I'm confronting the feelings about CP though.

why can't I be normal?

I do believe in second chances, but I'm scared that my demons will overtake me.  Help me fight them.  That is all.

So I had a date with the girl I spoke about and it was a great night

We went for Chinese food, and the conversation was great.  We spent the whole time smiling and laughing with one another.  Then, we went back to watch TV at my place, and I won't go into too many details.  As she would say, that's home business.  LOL, but anyways, I wanted to share my happiness with the date.  We're going out tonight for Italian dinner and a friend of ours has a gig tonight.  So we'll check that out.  Good to be in back in Vegas.

Time for another post

One of my biggest frustrations in life is the tight muscles brought on by the very minor touch of cerebral palsy that I have.  As a result, it's very easy for me to pull or strain a muscle or something like that. Currently, I'm sitting in my computer chair in agonizing pain because I've pulled a muscle in my back.  It hurts every time I do anything on my right side, so it's certainly a muscle pull or strain.   Sometimes, I wonder why God gave me cerebral palsy, and even though it's a minor touch, it can be difficult to deal with. I don't tell a lot of people about my pain, because who wants to be around a guy who does nothing but complain about pain? I know people like that, and it's not fun.  Anyways, some days, I wonder why me?   Then, I wonder why not me?  Then, I feel guilty because I feel unappreciative of the gifts that God has given me if I'm complaining about the one bad condition that He gave me.  Who am I to question Him?  Anyways, as you can see, many questions go through my mind about this cerebral palsy stuff.  Someday, I'll blog more about CP and its effects on me, but I'm in too much pain tonight for that level of deep thought.

Today's thoughts

I'm in a considerably better mood than last posting.  Whatever my ex does, it's her business.  I'm going to try to leave it in the past and move on into the future.  I wish her all the luck and happiness in the world, because that's what true love is, and I did love her, regardless of how my tone came off in the previous post which I admit was written in a moment of emotion and anger.

I return to Las Vegas a week from tomorrow. I'm certainly looking forward to it, because I have great friends there. It's not like I don't have great friends here, because I do, but it's just that I feel like I see  them less frequently because they have jobs, kids, and they live in northern New Jersey, while I'm staying in southern New Jersey.  There's a certain young lady who I'm wanting to take out once I get home next week.  I had met her with a group of friends about 5 years ago.  I didn't pursue it at the time, but it seems like now is a good time for the both of us.  We'll see what happens there, but I certainly like talking to her on the phone and on the computer.  She's fun, sweet, sexy, and we have the same sense of humor.

I don't mean for this blog to be a continuous discussion of my love life, but thus far, that's what it has been.  Changing gears...

In another avenue, I'm going to be facing some changes in my professional life when I return home to Vegas.  For the last two and a half years, I have been a high school English teacher in Las Vegas.  I quit that job because physically, I can't handle being on my feet for as long as that job requires.  It seemed like although the kids seemed to like me, they would take advantage to use classroom time as a time to fool around.  Not that I blame them for doing that, they are high school kids and that's what they do.  Then again, I don't think it's right for kids not to have enough books in crowded classrooms with limited supplies either.   Anyways, I look back at my time as a teacher as a fun time, but it's not right for me longterm.

What I'd like to do is find a job where I can make a good impact on society.  I'm thinking perhaps a nice office job or maybe some work in a library.  I'm blessed with a great family and enough money to support myself, but for the sake of my sanity and benefits, I need to find a job that I enjoy that I'm good at doing.  We'll see what happens, but look for a lot of changes from me over the next few months.

My thoughts on Liz

I'm just starting this blog, because I need to get these thoughts out of my head and onto some sort of medium so that I can make sense of them.  I doubt very severely that I will ever let anyone read these thoughts, but it's somehow possible that it could happen that I would want to share this with certain special people.  If I've shared this link with you, it means I want to share my most innermost thoughts and feelings with you, so take it as a compliment.  But anyways, thus, I'll keep to the usual standards of clarity and punctuation.

More than a year ago, the woman I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with broke up with me due to religious differences mainly.  We were together for six years, much of it long-distance.  We talked every day, and I considered this woman my best friend as well as my girlfriend.   I treated her well, and she treated me well.  We used to laugh about the silly little people who still had to date and look for the one to spend the rest of their lives with.  We'd visit each other, we met each other's families, and she was my date to my best friend's wedding.  We had each other, and we always thought that we would.  After all, she said she could have her religion aspect in her life, and thus keep that separate from  our relationship.  As of last July, literally days before I wanted to propose to her (she still doesn't know this), she broke up with me because she didn't want to be with someone who didn't share her faith.  I wouldn't change my faith to hers, because I believe that spirituality is something private and it has to be inside you if you truly believe it.

She has a blog on this site so she can talk about her diet and her adventures.  Over the past year or so, I've read the blog secretly just to make sure she's okay.  Love dies hard, I suppose.  Today, I read her blog and apparently, she has a new person who "makes her happy."  I assume that he must be of the same faith.  Emotionally, I sent a text to her, "I should have never read your blog.  I wish you well in life.  Goodbye, he will never love you like I did."  A tornado of thoughts races through my mind now.  Why does she get to be happy with someone else while I'm still lonely?   She's the one who lied to me.  She's the one who said she could handle the religion thing being different.  Doesn't karma dictate that good things should happen to me now?   Don't get me wrong, I don't wish for bad things to happen to Liz, but it seems unfair that I can be cast aside and a year later, I'm still waiting for things to go better for me.

I have so many trust issues over this relationship that I wonder if I can ever fully trust anyone again.  A few months after Liz broke up with me, I got into this rebound relationship with Kristi.  Kristi is a much younger woman - she was 22 then, is 23 now, and I was 30 at the time, and 31 now.  Anywho, she listened to a lot of my issues with my breakup.  I felt like I was over Liz, and I felt young and happy with Kristi. She said, don't worry, you can trust me.  Foolishly, I believed it, and after a few months, she broke up with me citing a lack of chemistry.  I have a lot more respect for Kristi because at least, she told me straight up within the first few months of the relationship.   She didn't let it linger for years and years, promising me a future like Liz did.

Still, it all hurts. I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes.  I get so lonely, and I wonder if things will ever work out for me.  I swear, I'm a decent guy.  Don't I deserve a break?  Don't I deserve love and honesty and truthfulness?  God, I hope so.